“All of them, any of them that have been in front of me over the years… with a great appreciation for the press, the media.”—Sarah Palin, when asked to name a newspaper she reads.Never have I heard such duplicitous poppycock in the political arena as from vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. This is the woman who claimed to have foreign-policy experience because she can see Russia from Alaska, said the causes of global warming are unimportant to the solution and insulted Joe Biden for being old (um, hello? John McCain, hello?) and then spun it as a compliment.
The unabashed balderdash that spews from this particular pig's painted lips makes Dan Quayle look like a thousand Mensa men conflated their sperm in a lab, injected it into the cryogenically preserved uterus of Madame Curie and gave birth to a disembodied brain.
When Sarah Palin speaks, she embarks on these meandering yellow-brick-road soliloquies that make Dorothy's trek look like a quick trip to the EZ-Mart. Just watch and listen as Ms. Palin skips through the Magic Forest of Misdirection, ambles across the Poppy Fields of Gibberish and traverses Bridge Disingenuous over a moat of bullshit to enter Cliché City to see the Wizard of Ostentatious.
Take this quote on foreign relations: “When you consider, even, national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace where do they go?”
And don't you just love how she'll be blubbering like a baby with special needs and then, out of nowhere, land on a talking point with clarity and authority, as if the baby suddenly stopped babbling, swatted his bowl of hated strained beets onto the floor, and said, “No justice, no peace,” in the voice of Sam Elliot.
The manner in which she speaks is so, at the same time, revolting and fascinating, that I started wondering, what would it be like if everyone in our daily lives spoke like Sarah Palin? I think it might go a little something like this:
Hot Dog Vendor
“I'd like a hot dog, please, no relish.”
“Hot dogs are, they have, it takes time to make, time to cook, boil hot dogs. Barack Obama wants to surrender to the terrorists.”
“So, tell me, Doc, is my cirrhosis a symptom of binge drinking? Should I stop?”
“We really don't need to waste our time figuring out the cause here. Whether your liver is shot because of your behavior or whether it's just the natural aging process, that's just looking backward.”
“Cool, so I can keep drinking then.”
“What qualifies you to work for us?”
“From my home, I can see a billboard with your company's logo on it.”
“Huh? What? No, I'm asking, which jobs have you had that prepared you for this one?”
“Having competent maverick employees like John McCain is important to the success of any company.” “But what jobs have you had?”
“I have worked in many jobs. From bottom-type jobs all the way up to top-type jobs, again, the jobs at the top—the big important jobs—those are the jobs I like best.
“Please, man, just name one job. Any job at all!”
“I'll get back to ya.” Wink.
“Why are you mad?”
“Because you're a scumbag! You cheated on me!
“Well, that's pretty negative, especially since you cheated on me as well.”
“No, no, it's nothing negative at all. I was merely pointing out your scumbag qualities, which, uh, again, scumbags are important. They hold the scum. If there were no bags for scum-holding, all the scum would be pouring onto the streets, and in our homes, again, the home is essential. Family values. Energy independence. Children with special needs.”
“Seen any good movies lately?”
“I've seen all of them, with a great appreciation for Hollywood, for filmmakers.”
“All of them, any of them that have been in front of me over the years.”
“Jesus, Bill, why are you being so evasive!?”
“No, really, that's the name of the movie, All of Them, Any of Them that Have Been in Front of Me Over the Years. It's about a female sex addict.”
Brrring, brring. “Hello, Mr. Dawson, I just got my legal bill in the mail. I don't understand some of these charges, like the Anti-Terrorist Fee, the No Surrender Per Diem. And what the heck is this Maverick Bonus?”
“In the great history of the American justice system, Barack Obama wants to surrender to the terrorists.”
“But what is the Maverick Bonus!?”
“It is the extension of, having to do with, the important Constitution legal fee, which is plus six. Do not testify if you don't have a rock to write with.”
“I'm thinking about becoming a Christian, Annie. Can you tell me more about your religion?”
“God had a son with special needs. His name was Jesus. Jesus was a maverick carpenter. He would make bizarre furniture—like coffee tables with no legs. Nobody would buy Jesus' maverick furniture so he had to sell wine. Jesus had Mary Magdalene stomp grapes. Afterward he would suck her toes, which made him drunk and do parlor tricks, like walking on water, which was dangerous, so he died on the cross. Pontius Pilate wants to raise your taxes.”