Phobophobia n. (fo-bo-fo-bee-uh): The fear of fear.
Of all the results of Election Day 2004, none was as sickening as the overwhelming sentiment against gay marriage.
Of course, a lot of people don't agree with this thesis. They say gay marriage wasn't an important issue at all-that during a time when war is waging, the economy is teetering, our healthcare system is diseased and Star Jones is still permitted on television, it was a huge waste of time arguing over such a silly non-issue as gay marriage.
To which I say: Bullshit.
Gay marriage is as important an issue as any above because it's a civil-rights issue. Perhaps you've heard of civil rights? Power to the people, and all that. You know, the ideology on which this country was founded. Of the 11 states that had gay marriage on the ballot, all 11 voted overwhelmingly for a ban. Eight of those states also prohibited civil unions. And now begins the nationwide movement toward a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Basically, America has just told all its homosexual citizens, Hey, faggy, why don't you just go back to Faglandia or wherever the hell it is that you came from, and I just want to take this moment to let all my homosexual brothers and sisters know that I, for one, am really happy to have you right here where you belong.
More than 20 million Americans from Oregon, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Ohio and Utah voted for the ban by a ratio of 2-to-1. In the four Southern states, the amendments received at least three-quarters of the votes, including a whopping 86 percent in Mississippi.*
Of course, I'm not surprised that the religion-stricken commonwealth of Ohio voted for the ban, where the state bird is the cardinal and the state song is "With God, All Things are Possible." Nor Utah, a state so twisted by religious fundamentalism that a marriage between two consenting adult males is somehow more offensive than a marriage between a man and a dozen or so minor females.
So, no, it's no surprise some of these states voted for the ban. But what I want to know is, how does a state like Kentucky, whose motto is "United we stand, divided we fall," justify such an utterly divisive mandate? And why is Arkansas so squeamish about sodomy when its state song is "Arkansas (You Run Deep in Me)." And Oregon?! Et tu, Beaver State? Oregon is a blue state! And it has the most fairy-friendly state motto ever written:
"Alis Volat Propiis (She Flies With Her Own Wings)."
But it is Mississippi that really twists my gonads. Good Old Mississip-where eighty-fucking-six percent of the voters voted for institutionalized discrimination and, given what I know about that region, the only reason the other 14 percent didn't vote for the ban was because there was no deporting-the-homos-back-to-Homosapia-or-wherever-the-hell-they-came-from provision.
Sweet home Mississip, where the state bird is the red-necked peckerwood, the state sport is Smear the Queer and the state motto is "Mississippi: letting blacks marry whites since 1987."
Ah, Mississippi. You were one of the last states in the country to repeal your obnoxious anti-miscegenation laws** because you were so afraid that the purity of the white race would be tainted by Negro DNA, and-surprise, surprise-here you are again dictating who gets to marry who based on your childish chickenshit fears.
That's what you are, Mississippi. You're a chickenshit. Same goes to Kentucky and Georgia and all the rest. You're all just pathetic little twerps afraid of what you don't understand: You're scared of strangers (xenophobic). You're mortified by death (necrophobic). And you're terrified of terrorists (Osamaphobic). You're afraid of the devil (demonophobic). You're even more afraid of God (theophobic). You're afraid of sex (coitophobic) and drugs (pharmacophobic) and rock 'n' roll (Ozzyophobic).
You're damn near afraid of everything (panophobic)-but no fear so ignorant as your fear of homosexuals (homophobia). Or worse, your fear that a homosexual might turn you gay (homo-morpho-phobia). Or worse still, that a homosexual may turn your children gay (pedo-homo-morpho-phobia). Or the ultimate of all your fears, that your son might be seduced by a swarm of queer spiders who will convince him that gay is truly the way and he will run away with them and receive their anal spider love for ever and ever after (arachno-pedo-morpho-homo-infinito-phobia).
Yes, Mississippi, your life is ruled by fear, and, well, I just thought you should know-I have a phobia, too. I'm phobophobic. I am fearful of the havoc that all you fearmongers wreak. I heard what fear did to the Jews in Germany. I know what happened to the savages Columbus encountered. And what happened to the wops, the gooks, the micks, the yellow man, the beaners, the coloreds and now the queers in the name of fear.
And I just keep waiting for the day when all of us phobophobics band together and start oppressing your chickenshit asses. Because you are the ones, if anyone, who should have to sit at the back of the bus; you are the ones who should wear an arm patch that says "Phoben"; you are the ones we should corner in a dark alley and beat to a pulpous mass with bats; you are the ones who should go back to the planet Phobos*** or wherever the hell it is that you came from. B
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* David Crary, Associated Press. ** Alabama was the last to repeal its anti-miscegenation laws (2000). *** Phobos is not a planet; it's a moon to Mars.