The premise is simple. As you read the following contorted Christmas carols, hum the originals. Do it internally, or belt it out loud. Sing these to your fellow transit travelers or regale your lunch companion. Just sing. Sing these songs...
(sung to "Let It Snow")
Well, the weather folks sure are frightful
Forecasts truth, or merely trifle?
Flip a coin, San Diego
Will you show or just blow, El Niño ?
Shit doesn't show signs of stopping
Well-coiffed heads stop short of popping
Skirts are rarely hemmed down too low
Ratings show it's boffo, El Niño
When the "cats and dogs" finally come,
How they'll hate going out in the storm
Day-Glo raingear looks really dumb
If the forecasts underperform!
Ponds and lakes are slowly drying,
"Climate change!" so many crying,
But Republicans still say no,
Let cash flow, oh Koch bro, El Niño !
Little Bummer Boy
(sung to "Little Drummer Boy")
"Run, dey told me," Trump coos on the stump
" Dis racist SOB?" Trump struts a thumb pump
Red baseball cap in ring? Trump hair takes a jump
"I REALLY AM DA KING!" Trump media bump
Trump lips go plump
Trump just wonít slump
Doctor pal says heís trim, no toxic-waste dump
" Stay out if you're Muslim! " Trump proves he's a chump
Mentally he's unhinged, Trump talks like a grump
Lady Liberty cringed, Trump just being Trump
Trump kiss my rump
Trump wins Iíll jump
To a new Trumpless land, Trump fans will not clump
Me and no Trump
(sung to "Silver Bells")
City sidewalks, busted sidewalks
But the mayor meanwhile
Fixes glare squarely right at Dean Spanos
Foes are laughing,
Bolts are passing,
Greeting smile after smile,
And on each cracked street corner you'll hear
Silver Bolts (Oakland jolts), silly dolts
It's ransom time in the city
Bring the bling (ring a ling)
Or we'll fling (a sure thing?)
50-plus years down the drain!
Carson beckons, Faulconer reckons
That it's all a big bluff
As the mayor jumps
In with bond treasures
Hear the toes crunch
Nixing Kev's hunch
NFL hearts will swoon
And above all this hustle you'll hear
Silver Bolts (miming Colts), fan revolts
It's moving time in the city
Here's the thing (ding a ling)
It won't swing (here's the zing)
Fans in to see a shit show. (Bolts blow!)
(sung to "Silent Night")
Silent knight, Zimmerman's plight
All's not calm, video fight
Shelley's instance of media fail
Has her running with legs hiding tail
Prosecution yells, "Noise!"
Judge wags a finger, "Boys, boys..."
Media cite, their perfect right
To the balm, ratings might
Pressurized pols tweet their crisp white flags
But an appeal could pose endless snags
Jesus, what is it worth?
Are you afraid of scorched earth?
In foresight, perhaps a light
Should come on, cams at night
Inform the public who pay your way
So we know who, how and why you slay
Heaven knows your jobís not easy
But darkness just makes us queasy.
Mayor, It's Cold Outside
(sung to "Baby, It's Cold Outside")
I really can't stay (Mayor, it's cold outside)
It's a photo-op day (Mayor, don't you backslide)
The homeless have been (Hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice (Your entourage was cold as ice)
My handlers will start to worry (Is that a snowflake flurry?)
And frankly this is starting to bore (Nothing like yachting bayshore!)
No really, there's a street to slurry (Meaning favors to curry)
Well, maybe just one pose more (On a campaign mailer this'll score!)
The neighbors might think (Mayor, it's Dems out there)
My refusal to link (Republicans don't care)
And to somehow kowtow (Kevin dear, why start right now?)
Ick, what's that smell? (Can't be that rosemary hair gel)
I always say no, no, no sir (Re-election season moving closer)
To sharing stages it hurts my pride (Yeah, that'll work if you go statewide)
I really can't say (Oh Kevin, you're such a Boy Scout)
Mayor, it's cold outside!
O Little Climate Action Plan
(sung to "O Little Town of Bethlehem")
O little Climate Action Plan, on shelves we see thee lie
Pols checked you off their To Do lists, and now youíll surely die
Yet in the small print shineth the mandates that give might
To hopes that breathing clean air some day won't stir up a fight.
O media trumpets blaring, the plan rises above,
While others sleep, the city reaps, and gives the world a shove.
The mayor brought together the folks who shared his mirth,
"My landmark legislation just saved good Mother Earth!"
But silently, how silently, some others aren't convinced,
That San Diego can avoid a plan that won't get minced.
Dark forces may be coming, to chuck it in the bin
But will brave souls stand up for it or take it on the chin?
O holy Climate Action Plan, we hope that you will stay
And suspects usually armed for bear will fear to shout, "Doomsday!"
But should deniers surface, then lawyers ring a bell,
"Don't make a fuss, we won't discuss, you all can go to hell!"
NRA is Gunning You Down
(sung to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You better head out
You better just buy
Bullets no doubt
An eye for an eye
NRA is gunning you down
He's got a checklist
Of political mice
He can roll out
For a cheap asking price
NRA is gunning you down
He claims it's all peace keeping,
Like handing out fruitcake
Just separate the bad from good
And arm the good for goodness sake!
Ohh! You better not spout
A passive reply
He'll simply break out
One lie after lie
NRA is gunning you down
Don't you question this packin' clown
NRA means Nuts' Rights Abound!
Putin the Red-Nosed Reign Dear
(sung to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Putin the red-nosed reign dear
Had a very wanted nose
And if John Kasich saw it
A fist to it's what heíd propose
All of John's rival statesmen
Simply laughed at John's polling
They wouldn't let poor Putin
Endure such weak trolling
"I'd shoot down their frickin' MiGs!"
Christie came to say
Rand Paul jumped and took a bite,
"Starting World War III tonight?"
Then all the entrants shoved him
And they shouted out with glee,
"Putin the red-nosed reign dear,
Aren't we all so gutsy!"