1. Gay people-Not a good year for x-on-x action. Though a ballsy San Francisco mayor let 'em get united, George Dubya and his "Fear Eye on the Queer Guys" agenda won the election. Tough to tell who Red Staters fear more-Osama or O. Mary.
2. Michael Moore-What's that giant sucking sound? It's America's favorite gasbag reloading for a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Sure, the first flick was entertaining, but despite all of the hype, it couldn't make Moore a credible critic. In the end, Bush still got elected and Moore's fans are out $9.
3. Dan Rather and CBS-Ouch! At the end of a long and distinguished career, the man who succeeded Walter Cronkite way back in 1981, saw his reputation tarnished by a flawed 60 Minutes report on President Bush's National Guard service record, which relied on a phony memo. CBS, meanwhile, is now the poster network for pundits who can't stop flapping their lips about the dreaded Liberal Media Bias.
4. Private First Class Lynndie England-She's the pudgy-faced 22-year-old Abu Ghraib pinup queen who-whether she's walking the detainee or inspecting penises-redefines white-trash chic. Facing a January court marshal for her role in abusing Iraqi prisoners, she also recently spawned a baby boy, virtually guaranteeing additional abuse charges in the not-too-distant future.
5. John Kerry-He was a loser from the beginning and in our hearts we all knew it-something that only made Election Night that much more bitter.
6. Ron Roberts-The San Diego County supervisor and lovable loser lost again when Donna Frye entered the San Diego mayoral race and crushed Roberts' hopes and dreams. By the time the big unbubbled-vote flap began to unfold, Roberts had become but a footnote. It's just so sad.
7. Bernard Kerik-Oops! Kerik agreed to be George Bush's nominee to take over the Department of Homeland Security despite the illegal domestic worker for whom he didn't pay taxes, the misuse of public money, the lucrative Taser International stock options, all that extramarital philandering and the shady association with mobsters. What could possibly have gone wrong? For good measure, he's taking friend and business partner Rudy Guiliani down with him-two losers for the price of one!
8. Barry Bonds-Who among us ever thought Bonds looks the way he does because he ate right and exercised. After all, as Steve Lopez of the Los Angeles Times noted the other day, Bonds' head is the size of a hippopotamus. The guy came into the Major Leagues as a twiggy little base stealer and, lo and behold, became one of the most muscle-bound, powerful homerun hitters of all time. Because he was implicated in the Balco steroid controversy this year, all of Bonds' impressive hitting records are tainted-we'll never watch a ball sail into McCovey Cove the same way again.
9. Colin Powell-When President Bush said in the debates that his only mistake as president was that he may have hired some of the wrong people, everyone knew whom he was referring to, right? Powell's resignation came as no surprise, since everyone-at home and abroad-knew that he was ineffectual on the Bush team. His half-hearted attempts to stand up to the administration went ignored and any statements to which they took offense he quickly retracted. Powell discovered that it's hard to be the voice of reason when the loudest you can speak is a whisper. After four years of being tossed around like a beach ball by Cheney, Wolfowitz and Rumsfeld, he stepped down in order to preserve the presidency that rejected him. So much for the "good soldier" approach-everyone knows that nice guys finish last, loser.
10. Dick Murphy-He has to continue to be mayor of a besieged, scandal-rocked city-a job he didn't even want in the first place-even though the whole world knows write-in candidate Donna Frye got more votes than him. That must suck! To make matters worse, he recently said that no one could be certain of the intent of voters who wrote "Donna Frye" on their ballots. What a jackass.
11. Real World San Diego cast-Someone got raped at the Real World house, a cast member flaunted her fake ID in bouncers' faces and two were carted off to jail. Good job kids-your parents will be proud. And no, your drunken, blubbering attempts to make us feel sorry for you didn't work.
12. Bill O'Reilly-Creepy, conservative, 55-year-old Fox News fixture revealed for what he really is: lecherous pervert who can't keep his piggy thoughts to himself. O'Reilly Factor fans remain in denial, however. For the latter, we quote from the complaint filed by former O'Reilly staffer Andrea Mackris, quoting the Arrogant One: "So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind... and then I'd take the other hand with the falafal [sic] thing and I'd put it on your pussy, but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business." Eww.
13. Scott Peterson-Not even that spiffy bleached hairdo could keep him from becoming the most despised man in America. Apparently, that's what you get when you savagely murder your wife and unborn child. Dude's going to the chair because of Amber Frye-and she isn't even a hottie.
14. Michael Jackson-He may not be Billy Jean's lover, but looks like he's going to be Billy Bob's bitch in the big house.
15. Saddam Hussein-As if being found in a hole in the ground wasn't humiliating enough, he's facing trial and still insists that he's Iraq's president. Should have swallowed the cyanide.
16. Richard Tuite-Despite truckloads of reasonable doubt indicating Tuite didn't do it, a jury found the schizophrenic transient guilty of murdering 12-year-old Stephanie Crowe.
17. The Padres-They build a stadium with dimensions that cut the hamstrings of their power hitters, then refuse to fork up for hometown favorite cutie pie, Steve Finley. Finley hits a grand slam to win it for the Dodgers, and, without a new downtown library, Pads' general manager Kevin Towers has nowhere to learn about macroeconomics.
18. The CIA-In the wake of 9/11 Commission revelations of ineptitude and facing criticism for its analysis of Iraq, the director of the once fearsome spy agency, George Tenet, resigned. Recast as a bastion of bureaucratic bungling, "The Company" will now be kept on a shorter leash.
19. The Seals-A colony of roughly 200 harbor seals enjoyed protected access to the beach at Children's Pool in La Jolla. Since the City Council, under pressure from a minority of seal antagonists in La Jolla, voted to remove the rope barrier in September, the seals are left vulnerable to human disturbance and harassment. They can either put up with daily intruders or go shopping for a new home, and the latter appears to be the more likely alternative since the seals, at least, are too smart to entertain the fairy-tale notion of romping playfully through excrement-infested waters with members of another species.
20. Pollsters-A recent poll revealed that 60 percent of all polls are reliable 0 percent of the time and 99.9 percent of media rely on polls to fill at least 30 percent of news space. Or something like that. Cell phones, caller ID and the joy of bullshitting people who call during The Daily Show means pollsters will have to come up with better ways to gauge public opinion
21. Ahmed Chalabi-He went from a guest of honor at President Bush's State of the Union address and the administration's top pick to lead the new Iraq to facing forgery charges in just a few months. Guess that's what happens when you tell the world about WMDs that don't exist. Chalabi ain't got nothin' on Chicken Little.
22. Martha Stewart-Domestic diva is shipped off to Club Fed, missing out on prime baking/decorating season. Equally bitchy daughter's appearance on Larry King Live doesn't do much for mom's PR.
23. Joe Hockey Fan-Gets checked against the boards when owners and players froze out the season. The only thing they'll have on ice this year is a few 12-packs of Schlitz. A positive offshoot is that players on San Diego's minor-league team, The Gulls, should have a banner year in the groupie-sex department.
24. Ronald McDonald-The creepiest clown in town has his smile turned upside down when first-time director Morgan Spurlock unleashed the documentary Super Size Me. Spurlock blowing chunks after eating a combo-meal and doctors warning he could die from continued dining 'neath the Golden Arches forces the drive-thru fat factory to stop egging on gluttony and offer crappy salads in cups.
25. Allah-CityBeat: Wow, dude, you had a tough year. Rumsfeld keeps blowing up your mosques. Your homey Arafat dies while Sharon builds what looks to be a modern-day Berlin Wall to keep your people out. People keep killing themselves and others in your name. And to top it off, Jesus grabbed all the headlines. How does this make you feel? Allah: Leave me out of this. Oh, and The Passion sucked!
26. P.O.D.-Kicking your guitarist out of the band and making shitty albums makes baby Jesus cry.
27. Kofi Annan-Late in the year, Annan, General Secretary of the United Nations, became a favorite whipping boy of overheated conservative TV-show hosts, having been dragged into the U.N. Iraqi oil-for-food scandal thanks to his son, Kojo, who was a very bad boy in 2004.
28. San Diego County Registrar of Voters-Malfunctioning touch screens, poorly translated voter guides, incorrect ballots and alleged civil-rights violations are just a few of the snafus that occurred this year. It would be funny if democracy didn't hang in the balance.
29. San Diego Concert Industry-They had such a good year in 2003 that Slavemaster-er, Ticketmaster-decided it would jack you with higher prices and even more arbitrary service charges. When people didn't buy, promoters like Clear Channel and House Of Blues Entertainment started offering two-for-one tickets and even scaled down some acts to more intimate venues. Still people didn't buy. Shows were cancelled, precious money was lost and now a lot of bands won't even play here. Hey, at least we had The Pixies reunion.
30. People who live in Florida-Apparently God hates old people. And possibly oranges.
31. The West Wing-Three consecutive episodes featured: musical guest star (James Taylor); Vegas yuksters Penn & Teller (shoehorned in to offset president's partial paralysis from MS attack) and shocking plot twist (asteroid heading for earth!). Three words: Jumped the shark.
32. Matt Bush-Just two weeks after the Padres named Bush their No. 1 draft pick, the Mission Bay High shortstop/pitcher was arrested for throwing punches in an Arizona bar. The mishap earned him a one-month suspension from the team and a lifetime of parallels to Major League's Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn.
33. Tara Reid-The part-time actress and full-time party babe gets the Plastic Surgeons of America's "Frankenboob Award," letting her disfigured doppelgangers hang out during an awards show photo-op.
34. Howard Stern-He slobbers over scantily clad women and humiliates disabled people on air (though he seemed a changed man after reading Al Franken's book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them). After the FCC fined Clear Channel $495,000 for indecency in April, the radio chain dropped Stern's show from six stations. Stern toyed with the idea of leading a "million moron march" on Washington but let the opportunity slide. He recently announced plans to leave Infinity Broadcasting for a deal with SIRIUS, a top satellite radio provider. Ultimately, he loses because beginning in 2006, those who appreciate Stern's brand of entertainment will have to pay for it.
35. Diane Powers-Head honcho of Old Town's Bazaar del Mundo watched her lucrative little empire slip away, losing every step of the way as she challenged the state's giveaway of the Bazaar to the corporate concessions giant Delaware North.
36. The Pope-He assumed the Biblical role of Job this year, so close to death but not quite able to make the leap. To make things worse, his top-ranking people can't keep their hands off underage parishioners.
37. Howard Dean-His presidential campaign ultimately crashed and burned-thanks to The Scream and the "don't be the last one to kick a guy while he's down" mainstream media.
38. The New York Times and the Washington Post-Both newspapers apologized to readers for failing to properly vet information supporting the Bush administration's reasons for going to war. Whoops! Well, at least it wasn't World War III or anything.
39 Paul Hamm-You forego booze, drugs, women and alcohol for two minutes of fame. You finally win the gold medal at the Olympics and the entire sporting world boos and hisses in your general direction. The losingest winning moment of the year.
40. Fahrenheit San Diego-Peppy San Diego weekly beaten into the ground by an advertising market that hasn't yet realized behemoth San Diego Reader is the product of ultra-Catholic, homophobic editor who spends his free time protesting places like Planned Parenthood and F Street.
41. Velcro-Yet another bad year for Velcro.