Songs for the season
|By John R. Lamb|
Festive holiday tunes about Bob Filner, Tony Krvaric, John Lynch, Doug Manchester, the budget deficit and the gun-loving right
"How many observe Christ's birthday! How few, his precepts! O, 'tis easier to keep holidays than commandments."
Tony the Red-Scare Chairman (sung to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Tony the Red-scare chairman, Had a very twisted head. And if you ever Tweet him, You would say it's filled with lead.
All of the U-T pundits Feared to laugh and call him out. They never made poor Tony Stew much in the crap he'd tout.
Then one sunny polling day, Voters came to say, "Krvaric with your head so crass, Won't you shove it up your ass?
Then how the Dems did mock him, And they shouted with no fuss, "Tony the Red-scare chairman, Keep it up, you're good for us!"
Mr. Lynch (sung to the tune of "Mr. Grinch")
You're a sheen one, Mr. Lynch. You really are like oil. You're as slick as smashed bananas, You're as subtle as Old Spice, Mr. Lynch. Your take on journalism—it's as welcome as lice!
You're a puzzle, Mr. Lynch. Your ego's big and bold. Your paper's filled with venom, Your people do as told, Mr. Lynch. I wouldn't touch your news rack— with a 5-and-a-quarter-foot pol.*
You're an odd one, Mr. Lynch. You tell folks you're so nice. Then you hire Roger Hedgecock for a feeble TV show, Mr. Lynch. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd rather a hole in my head blow.
What's the end game, Mr. Lynch? To rule the media world? Well, so far I'd say it's anything but a foregone certain lock, Mr. Lynch. You're a little out of your conservative league—with the likes of Murdoch!
(* Any similarity to Steve Danon is purely coincidental.)
I Saw Papa Doug Hugging Miss August (sung to "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
I saw Papa Doug hugging Miss August, In the name of charity. It gave me the creeps When I accidentally peeked. Now I want to pull my eyeballs Out with Jeeps.
When I saw Papa snuggle that Bunny,
Like a grandpa with his kin, Oh, what a laugh when he ordered his staff, "Snap a photo and put it in!"
Workin' on a Budget Deficit (sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")
Warnings ring, are you listening, Budget dings, IBA listing, A worrisome sight, Revenues ever tight, Workin' on a budget deficit.
Gone away is the blue sky, In its stead, questions why, The state's going broke, On debt it does choke, Workin' on a budget deficit.
On the Council many tilt at windmills, Then pretend that all will be OK. One day it's like, "Hey, let's raise those taxes!" Next day it's like, "Hey, what did I say?"
Later on, they'll conspire, To torch dreams in the fire. To face unafraid, Election plans they've made, Workin' on a budget deficit.
Italian meadows Sanders dreams of romping, Claiming surplus days are here to stay. What he might have added before stomping, Is he meant his Chamber pays $300K.
When it snows debt collection, As we near the next election, Will those who would say, "Goodbye, rainy day," Still be workin' on a budget deficit?
Filner the Go-man (sung to "Frosty the Snowman")
Filner the go-man Was a jolly, snarky soul, With a purple shirt And a full-on smirk And a mayorship as his goal.
Filner the go-man Will destroy the town, some warned. Facing labor treats And pock-marked streets, Mr. DeMaio pounced sharp-horned.
"We must reform to weather the storm," the Budget Geek did say. But Corncob Bob would simply lob "What if's" Carlito's way.
Oh, Filner the go-man Was attacked relentlessly, "A firebrand clown in a vanilla town Not at all like you and me."
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Blows flew to and fro, Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, Carl's robotics began to show.
Filner the go-man Beat DeMaio fair and square, Now each day's a tour, Via chauffeur, And hashtag #filnereverywhere.
He led them down the streets of town Right to adoring fans. From candle lightings to swearing-in knightings, No task scratched from his plans.
For Filner the go-man A desk job seemed for nerds, But election wins mean hard work begins, Don't make CityBeat look like turds.
What about Prop. A, what about Prop. A A word or two or so? Ringety ding ding, ringety ding ding Contact info down below.**
Silent Right (sung to "Silent Night")
Silent Right, out of sight Tragedy strikes, you take flight. Innocent children taken too soon, Questions of sanity only balloon. What do you have to say? Nothing, the NRA way.
Silent Right, here comes a fight. Gunnies shiver, you won't deliver. Second Amendment does not give carte blanche To your gun pals, a movement will launch. Common sense must rule the day Assault weapons should go away.
Silent Right, please end this plight, Magazine clips, for deadly rips Have no business in hands compromised. This is a subject from which you can't hide. Don't shy away from a stand, Or blood will remain on your hand.