|By Caley Cook|
Pop culture's fixation on hot moms
When MTV began airing the video for Fountains of Wayne's "Stacy's Mom" late last year, lots and lots of adolescent boys instantly began puberty to the image of MILFy star Rachel Hunter (mother of two) emerging sopping wet from a suburban pool.
Pop culture's fixation on hot moms-who stave off menopause by luring the sexual intrigue of the younger set-is timeless. Our parents had "Mrs. Robinson." Thirty-somethings had "Hot for Teacher." The young'uns have "Stacy's Mom."
With a little help from Fountains of Wayne frontman Adam Schlesinger, CityBeat recounts the glory of mother-worship by exploring some of the most compelling hot-mom songs ever made.
Keep your socks handy, boys.
14 "Mother Fucker" by The Queers
As suggested by their name, The Queers prefer being direct. The New Hampshire punk band crafts a careful retelling of one boy's dark obsession with a cigarette-toting, math-homework-helping, blow job mom who cares less about her "little sprite" than the "rubber on her shelf." As Schlesinger scoffs, "I don't ever remember thinking that Stacy's Mom' was anything but direct, but this song makes it look cryptic!"
13 "Pink and Blue" by André 3000
After putting the transgressions of "Ms. Jackson" behind him, Outkast's Andre tells the story of a Claire Huxtable-lookin' mom-figure that drives him batty. "You could have been born a little later but I don't care," he sings. "So what if your head sports a couple of grey hairs." Seems Andre gets downright horny at the sight of the morning sunlight shining off a silver noodle. Who knew?
12 "Eminem's Mom" by Insane Clown Posse
Voted the worst band in the world by Blender in 2003, ICP constructs an equally shitty reenactment of exactly what they want to do to Eminem's mother. And while their sexual awakening has less to do with Mrs. Mather's hotness quotient and more to do with their hate for the rapper himself, the "band" crafts quite a subtle elucidation of their intentions-with lyrics that would scare a prostitute. "I can't imagine that this song is popular," says Schlesinger, "but I don't wear a mask on stage."
11 "That Summer" by Garth Brooks
Even the country stars get in on the hot-mom action-or hot summer employer, in this case. "Garth Brooks probably learned in business school that it was a good idea to write one of these songs," Schlesinger says. "It's the best way to make some cash."
10 "Please Stop Fucking My Mom" by NOFX
Sometimes you just get pissed when your friends are doing your mom. The lyrics are mumbled, but Fat Mike lisps something about "I didn't mind when you fucked my sister, but please stop sticking it to my mom."
9 "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson Five
"It seems like a pretty innocent song, but I suppose that you can read something dirty into anything," Schlesinger says. And with the trials and tribulations of the jazzy Jacksons, it's easier to believe that little Michael put on a happy face when he caught his mommy makin' out with some fat dude by the chimney. Costume fetishes are in.
8 "Soccer Mom" by The Vandals
This hot mom loves her Volvo and her collagen, her oranges and her Evian, and the fancy dinners that her little brats provide her. The kid narrator knows that it's "so right, it's so wrong," but that won't keep him from pining for "another MILF" like her.
7 "I Want Yer Mom" by The Bouncing Souls
An East Coast punk classic, headman Greg Attonitoi yelps, "I like your mom and it's no fad, I want to marry her and be your dad." It's mom-coveting on a practical, state-sanctioned level.
6 "My Oedipus Complex" by Kid Rock
Apparently the Detroit Kid has a crush on his lifegiver, and it's the kind he'd kill for. Rock is left with a fierce urgin' to knock off his pops, and while he never says it straight out, it seems his mother is the bounty Kid's after.
5 "Volvo Driving Soccer Mom" by Everclear
Songwriter Art Alexakis tells the story of a former bad girl who now knows the "right wing from the wrong." This mom clearly traded up her "wizard-shaped bong" for a shiny new family sedan. "This song came out a couple of months before our song had, and I was worried that they had beaten us to the punch," says Schlesginer. "Art makes the mom sound so sad that she gave up stripping!"
4 "Playboy Mommy" by Tori Amos
Having always been the sexy MILF herself, Amos sings a jazzy yarn about a stripper and the notoriety that comes along with her occupation. It sounds hot, but it comes out sad. And, of course, Amos ends up sounding sexier for it.
3 "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne
According to Schlesinger, the song is a semi-made-up story. "There isn't really a Stacy but, believe it or not, the inspiration for that song is based on a friend of mine that told me that he thought my grandmother was hot-and we were like 12 years old." Now Schlesinger deals with mom-aged groupies wearing "I'm Stacy's Mom" baby doll tees and screaming his lyrics. Could be worse. Could be grandmas.
2 "Hot for Teacher" by Van Halen
David Lee Roth's cock-rock masterpiece didn't exactly reveal the story of a romantic tryst, but "Hot for Teacher" sparked more than a slight inspiration for "Stacy's Mom" and numerous other lusty MTV videos. "If you watch Hot For Teacher,' it was way more over the top than anything else airing at the time," Schlesinger remembers. An entire generation of boys got chills when the teacher asked them to stay after school.
1 "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel
Facing her sexual decline in her later suburban years, Mrs. Robinson somehow lures in an aloof post-grad by selling her saggy womanparts for his bedside affections. In the movie, young'un Dustin Hoffman figures that spelunking his elder couldn't be any worse than grad school, and goes for it. In real life, Schlesinger notes, the "Mrs. Robinson" groupies take the song's lines a little too seriously: "Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes/ Put it in you pantry with your cupcakes/ It's a little secret, just the Robinsons' affair/ Most of all, you've got to hide it from the kids." Ladies, take your marks, Simon and Garfunkel are on tour again!
Wear your "I'm Stacey's Mom" T-shirts when Fountains of Wayne play Channel 93.3's "Your Show" at Coors Amphitheatre on May 14. Black Eyed Peas, Hilary Duff, Jessica Simpson, Kimberly Locke, Maroon5, Nick Canon, Ryan Duarte and Evan & Jaron also play. $33.65-$63.85. 619-220-8497.