* Soma is the best local venue for dieters. Not only don't they sell booze, but it's also 600 degrees inside. After about 2-3 solid weeks of punk rock shows, the pounds will just start melting away.
* So, does The Casbah hand out black-rimmed glasses and torn jeans at the door with the purchase of every ticket, or what?
* Remember when 94/9 and 91X sounded different? That was a fun six months.
* The Zeros are from Chula Vista. Never forget that. Then again, too many people forget about The Zeros, or even call them an L.A. band, which is a travesty all too typical of San Diego music history.
* Tell me which place smells more like fresh puke and stale urine-Brick by Brick or Scolari's Office.
* The ratio of people talking on their cell phones to people actually watching a show at the Belly Up is 8 to 1.
* The Sports Arena's recent sound improvements took the venue's acoustics from total boomy shite to total echoey shite. Great job!
* Soma needs to sell sticks of deodorant for spring and summertime shows, or actually turn on the AC.
* "No, I'm Ken Smith. The asshole your thinking about writes for The Reader."
* You are the oldest one at this all-ages show. And yes, all these kids know that.
* Every visiting band at The Casbah acts like they've never seen a plane before and are amazed at how "they just fly right over."
* Every stoned beach kid that isn't gay or a hippie thinks that Sublime is still the coolest band in the world.
* Every stoned beach kid that isn't gay or a hippie thinks Ja Rule is actually a real gangsta rapper.
* Ten years later, every band that comes out of San Diego no longer sounds like blink-182.
* Though everyone knows he lives in Hillcrest, Rob Halford of Judas Priest has only been spotted by Music Trader employees. He's our rock "n' roll version of Waldo.
* Rock isn't dead. It's just tanning and scoping chicks in Pacific Beach.
* This is the only town in America where an A&R dude would do well to consult the local chapter of Calvary Chapel for the next big thing.
* Though no one can hear it, we all love the concept of having a pirate radio station in town.
* There is an inverse relationship between the amount of sunshine and the amount of good bands in San Diego.
* Winston's is the only place in America besides Miami Beach where paint that glows under black light is still cool.
* To quote Blazing Saddles: "Where all the white women at?"
* To paraphrase Blazing Saddles: "Where all the black men at?"
* If Detroit is the home of 8 Mile, San Diego must be .04 Mile.
* No matter how cool San Diego clubs are, your favorite show of the year is always at some dude's house in Clairemont.
* Listening to chill-out electronica while playing Connect Four at The Whistle Stop is nerdy. I don't care how ironic it is or how it touches your inner child.
* How many San Diego musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three. One to screw it in, and two to stand off to the side and mutter: "Hrumph... I could do that."
* The "no moshing" policy at Soma has less to do with physical injury than it does the fact that raising the core temperature of that place even a few degrees will result in spontaneous combustion and a Great White repeat.
* We can now partially link Java Joe's to an ad for a television ad selling women's razors. Zhat's weird (c'mon, say it like you're a gay German).
* Tomfoolery's is the only club in San Diego where, on a Monday open mic night, you can find two marines doing acoustic duets while two girls make out in a corner and some guy you've never met before buys you a beer. Pretty open atmosphere for a straight club... or did I miss something?
* Frat boys and marines attend hip-hop shows because black guys are fascinating.