* Scolari's will be the last refuge for civilization after Dubya starts World War III.
* UCSD will stop trying to shut down the Che Café, deciding that it's better to collect on all the parking tickets given to show attendees rather than kick ‘em out.
* San Diego is going to rock so fucking hard this year that it will shake loose from California and become it's own island state like Hawaii, only with less volcanoes and Spam.
* Some big-finger-wearing day trader from Houston will stumble into Dizzy's nightclub after an Astros-Padres game and think that San Diego is a city that loves jazz and good art. He will spread the lies and Sunset magazine will write about us.
* With the expansion of downtown, someone will finally open a rock dive in central city that competed with The Casbah for indie rock.
* A young entrepreneur will notice that there are no hip-hop clubs in San Diego. He will call to see how much insurance on such a club would cost. He'll hang up, and decide working at Olive Garden isn't so bad, after all.
* Every single great band in the world will break up and worship what, until that point, had been deep underground-the most amazing hip-hop scene ever. Well, hell, a boy can dream right?
* The City of San Diego will give The Belly Up kickbacks from all the money they make on D.U.I.'s when people leave the club.
* At least one person will go to Java Joe's Pub thinking that Jason Mraz will show up for open jam night.
* Gregory Page will release a remarkable 30 albums in the month of February, setting a new world record.
* A crazy loon wearing a PETA t-shirt will toss red paint on The Dragons during their set, ruining the leather pants they haven't washed since Joey Ramone died.
* Rocket from the Crypt will spawn another 12 side projects.
* Jeff Berkley will cut his hair and suddenly forget how to write songs.
* At least one new Big Thing from New York City will mention No Knife as an influence in the pages of SPIN.
* Midwestern techno-polka will be fucking huge.
* Steve Poltz and Anya Marina will wed in the lotus position.
* Tim Pyles will throw seven local music showcases at various clubs on the same night for 364 days of the year, taking one day off to play a show in his crappy new band that's named after some sort of fruit.
* Michael Halloran will get fired from his radio station.
* Michael Halloran will get hired at a new radio station.
* The Album Leaf will out-thumb-wrestle Death Cab for Cutie as America's new indie darling. Ben Gibbard will write something tender about the experience.
* ‘Canes will initiate a fraternal war with The Casbah and steal their miniature jockey statuette. The Casbah will say they never liked that thing anyway and think the large Captain Morgan's statue is a cool trade.
* Another rumor will start that House of Blues is going to open up in downtown. The Reader will write a four-part series.
* Robin Roth will retire and go into real estate with Chris Muckley.
* At least one local musician in San Diego will say-in print-that media doesn't support them.
* There will be so many bands named after pluralized nouns, preceded by “The” that groups will begin using indefinite articles like “A” or “An.” Record store clerks will then quit by the tens of thousands due to complex alphabetical categorizations of bands like the emo-rock A No Man Land and the ethnic-rock An Oman Land.
* Every first time visitor to the Casbah always wants to know the same thing: Who lives upstairs?
* Six years after his Def Jam flop “Whatcha Gonna Do,” San Diego Crip Jayo Felony will c-walk his way back into the spotlight with “Whatcha Gonna Do Too,” featuring cameos from Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, and Roseanne.
* All-ages venues will open Starbucks inside their doors to accommodate the venti non-fat, half-caff, caramel mochaccino with whip cravings of teenagers.
* The over/under on how many times Outkast's “Hey Ya” will be played in between innings during the first Padres home stand at Petco Park: 74.
* Kill Me Tomorrow will be sued for copyright infringement when it is discovered that a Liverpool skiffle group from the late 1950s first used the band name.
* On FM 94.9 this year: a radio documentary on the whereabouts of Dave Kendall.
* A San Diego band will revisit the turtlenecks and jackets look a la the Byrds in 1965.
* There will be someone 3-5 inches taller standing in front of you at a show.
* The city council will approve a ticket guarantee with The Casbah.
* This year's band names: The Rabbits, Jean, Paul, Simone and Beauvoir, Rollerdeck, Isosceles, Ghosty, Larry Leeza and the Fire Escapes, Test Tube, Noona, The Bastard Sons of Gordon Lightfoot. * Stuttering John will kidnap his autographed picture from ‘Canes. No one will notice and it will promptly be replaced with an autographed picture of AC/DShe.
* A music journalist will get throat socked by another journalist-not me, though.
* Fox Rox host Troy Johnson will retire the “double guns,” his infamous trademark hand gesture-only to unveil, the “double down,” a more mature gesture: two palms flat and facing downward, though still pointing at the viewers to reflect Fox's “in your face” programming.
* Tower Records will have a going-out-of business bash for every single former employee and the police will shut the party down because 36,248 people will show up.
* “Frankie” from The Real World will decide to reside in beautiful San Diego and bar owners will spend nights peeling hello kitty's throw up off the floor or her body off another victim.
* A band that was cool in high school will play The Casbah camouflaged in denim and no one will know.
* In the McCarthy era of radio that we are entering, Clear Channel chimps and members of P.O.D. will be put in charge of all new programming choices. Fun for the whole right wing family.
* Porter's Pub will get a Pinback show. Wait, what? Oh shit, I guess they have one coming up. First cool thing of the new year and it's only March-right on.
* As a reward for packing the place every Wednesday night, The Ould Sod will finally buy a good sound system for The Hatchet Brothers. The newfound high-fidelity will ruin it.
* CityBeat will overtake this silly little planet.