2017 Summer Guide: Surviving the apocalypse

The end is nigh. The rapture. Alien invasion. Robots. Climate change. Nuclear war. Pick an apocalyptic poison, because any one of the things above seems like a realistic scenario for the end of the world at this point. Not to worry though, we have our readers’ backs. Whatever ends up being the cause of our untimely demise (the heat in East County, perhaps?), this annual Summer Guide will get us ready for when it all goes down while also letting us have some fun while we’re doing it. From learning to garden and riding a motorcycle to becoming a knight and climbing rocks, this guide is just as much about learning to survive and be more independent as it is about summer fun. OK, so it’s mostly about having fun, but with Trump in charge, we could all end up living out Idiocracy any day now. 

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Your key to survival

1. Nourishment

Anyone here remember what Soylent Green was made from? No, OK, well, we’re not suggesting anyone do that, but it might be time to get used to eating bugs and growing our own veggies. Nom nom nom.

2. Shelter

Hotels will likely all be run by a cybernetic Barron Trump in the future, so now’s a good time to prepare for sleeping outdoors. That’s alright, though. There’s some really cool places to lay our heads even if they’re sans roof and surrounded by wild animals. 

3. Mobility

Getting around sure is tough in a Mad Max-style world. And while we might have enough gas to ride our motorcycles, we’re gonna need some downloadable maps to navigate this stark desert hellscape.

4. Gear

Simply having a compass isn’t going to cut it. From staying clean to telling time without an iPhone, here’s some items we’ll all need to survive or, at the least, make things more comfortable while cyborgs dominate the world.

5. Combat

Just like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes, it’s likely we’ll all have to fight some kind of filthy, hairy beasts after they take us over. Jousting and lasers are just part of the program so let’s get moving. 

6. Team

We’re going to have to stick together in order to survive and, hopefully, rebuild society. Escaping creepy rooms and a music festival in the desert heat are just a few activities that will forge our bonds even stronger.

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ROCK YOUR BODY

Coffee cups rumble. Fragments of limestone spike up like incisors, slicing through the office carpet. Quickly, sheets of rock 200 feet tall replace cubicle barriers as coworkers grasp their desks, trying not to slide into the deep gorge that formed where the water cooler stood five minutes prior. Betsy from human resources hangs on to a crevice by her pinky. She screams for her life, and for her cats. Going to a rock climbing gym like Mesa Rim in Mission Valley (405 Camino Del Rio S.) or Mira Mesa (10110 Mesa Rim Road) would have come in real handy right about now when the earth’s innards burst up and out. Prepare at the two Mesa Rim locations that offer bouldering, which takes place on shorter walls without the use of ropes, or top rope climbing, which requires two people, harnesses, ropes and a whole lot of trust. In top rope climbing, one partner navigates the wall while the other is on the ground managing the rope’s slack, also known as balaying. So basically, if the balayer isn’t keeping tabs on the rope, the climber could slip their grip and smash against the wall or fall tens of feet to the floor. There are day passes for $14 to $22 plus $6 for rental gear and memberships start at $72. mesarim.com

—Torrey Bailey

FARMER IN THE CITY

There are very few situations in which being able to grow your own food isn’t a good idea. For first-time farmers, it can take a little getting used to: Proper ratio of water to sunlight, soil pH and other small factors can dramatically affect what sprouts from your backyard. But when farm-to-table restaurants are in short supply as a result of a giant meteor slamming into the west coast (assuming it misses your literal backyard), you’ll be thankful that you have a garden full of radishes, tomatoes, bell peppers and other vegetables to sustain you through the end times. Or, alternately, maybe the meteor misses us and it’s just a good idea to eat healthier, in which case it’s time to start stocking up on seeds and potted veggie plants at local nurseries such as City Farmers Nursery in City Heights (3110 Euclid Ave.), North Park Nursery (2335 University Ave.) or Mission Hills Nursery (1515 Fort Stockton Drive). The freshly grown produce will make those summer salads taste that much better and keep you fit for when you have to outrun the CHUDs. 

—Jeff Terich

ARCHERY ANGELS

When it comes to skills for a survival situation, archery makes a strong case for itself over firearms. It’s quiet, the basics can be picked up in a single lesson, it doesn’t require a lot of moving parts or chemical explosives to function, and the ammunition is reusable. Plus, habitually drawing and firing a bow is an excellent upper-body workout, helping keep you strong and fit for whatever else comes your way. So it’s fortunate that San Diego is home to one of only two public ranges in California, nestled away in the Morley Field Sports Complex (2221 Morley Field Drive). While it’s operated by San Diego Archers, club membership isn’t required; users are asked to pay a $2 usage fee to help maintain the grounds. And with no set time limit, any novice archer can have their skills honed to Katniss Everdeen—ready for when society collapses around our ears.

—Matthew Baldwin

ART OF THE BARGAIN

With all the cargo shorts you see around San Diego, it’s easy to think that we’re a city dressed for the apocalypse—certainly, those babies are filled with tactical tools and survival supplies, right? Just kidding. Still, there are outlets that offer gear that can turn even the most normcore, Old Navy-wearing weekend warrior into the real deal, and Bargain Center in (3015 North Park Way) North Park is one of them. The army surplus supply store sits just a block off the bougie mecca of 30th and University, persevering among the skinny jeans and fedoras that roam that hood. With everything from machetes to Meals Ready to Eat (given CityBeat’s proximity to the store, I’ve considered buying an MRE for lunch on more than one occasion) Bargain Center is a good place to hit up in the event of societal or environmental collapse. Another bonus is they have one of the finest selections of peacoats in San Diego. Not that it ever gets cold here. Well, not yet—with all the climate change going on, an Icepocalypse is no longer so far-fetched. 

—Ryan Bradford

CREEPY-CRAWLY CUISINE

Americans have avoided the inevitable for too long. As the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization reported in 2013, there are 1,900 edible insects on Earth that are more environmentally friendly to grow and consume than typical livestock. Asia, South America and Africa turned to entomophagy, aka snacking on bugs, long ago. It’s time to bite the bullet, er beetle. They’re high in proteins, vitamins, fats and essential minerals, not to mention their crunchy little bones add extra calcium. Plus, they’re relatively cheap in the States. While a kabob of scorpions can cost $15 in Beijing, scorpion lollipops are only a couple bucks here. To practice ingesting and digesting bugs, turn to Tacos Perla (3000 Upas St.). This taqueria serves up crickets deep fried with a zest of lemon and chile. For 75 cents, add them to a taco or eat them straight, Hakuna Matata style. While crickets aren’t easy to find in stores, silkworm cocoons are. Head to Korean grocery store Zion Market (7655 Clairemont Mesa Blvd.) to grab a can for only $1.29. One employee at the market says they have the flavor of fermented soybeans, or how he imagines Xenomorph slime from the Alien movies would taste. They crunch and ooze. So when that locust swarm comes, remember to catch a few. 

—Torrey Bailey

RIDE OR DIE

All apocalyptic heroes know how to ride out the annihilation of civilization in style—two-wheeling it through hordes of the undead and heading into the sunset, shotguns blazing. Luckily for everyone, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world to enjoy the freedom of motorcycling. If readers yearn to live life to the fullest before things completely go to shit, they can head to Pacific Safety Center (9880 Via Pasar) in Miramar to earn their M1 motorcycle driver’s license designation. The basic course includes both classroom and on-cycle training to avoid the DMV driving skills test, as well as various skills to safely ride. Yes, it’s time to feel the wind in our hair before it’s filled with ash and fallout.

—Beth Demmon

POLE POSITION

I imagine that when society finally breaks down, we’ll pretty much have to take whatever we can get as far as finding shelter goes—McMansions will almost certainly become a thing of the past. But it’s also easy to imagine, amid a world spinning into chaos, that privacy, romance and creature comforts will also be pretty hard to come by. Within San Diego County limits, however, there is solace in the desert. Safari Tent Camping in Warner Springs (along Highway 79 near Hot Springs Mountain) is a refreshing dose of luxury in a secluded location. The tent is responsibly sourced, with wood from trees that were casualties of the 2003 Cedar Fire, and handmade furniture to boot. It’s by no means a primitive stay, however. The tent has a grill, a fireplace, refrigerator and WiFi—just in case you don’t feel the need to cut yourself off from society entirely (relaxation is no reason to let zombies or bands of mutants get the upper hand). There’s also a hot tub. Just because you need to escape a crumbling society doesn’t mean you can’t have some sexy time. Check out glampinghub.com for more info. 

—Jeff Terich

ALL'S FAIR

The San Diego County Fair (2260 Jimmy Durante Blvd.) is undoubtedly a group activity. Ride scary rides. Eat some fried butter. Ride more rides. Try not to vomit. Vomit anyway. These are all activities we should always do with friends. This year’s fair is offering some pretty cool activities in addition to the usual fare. There’s a “Happy Trails”-themed Garden Show area, for example, where patrons can learn about actually growing stuff. This year’s show includes the Whole Life Festival on Saturday, July 1 where attendees can learn about healthy lifestyles from expert authors, speakers and merchants. Just up the road in Encinitas, the San Diego Botanic Garden (230 Quail Gardens Drive) is offering up some cool classes and fests that could come in handy come should we inch closer to a real-life Idiocracy including drip irrigation classes that emphasize conservation. The next class is on May 21 for $48 and, no, Brawndo does not work. There will also be mealworm larva to eat at the Garden’s annual Insect and Ladybug Festival on July 22 and 23. 

—Seth Combs

#MAGA

When Imi Lichtenfeld created Krav Maga in the early 1900s, he most definitely had the Trump-ocalypse in mind. OK, maybe not. But considering Krav Maga was created as a practical self-defense system to use on the streets against armed attackers, the idea isn’t far off. Orange-faced clones crawling out of log cabins, armed with camouflage Swiss Army Knives and Remington rifles, descending upon progressives... Actually, Lichtenfeld created Krav Maga to use against anti-Jewish pogroms in Czechoslovakia in the days leading up to World War II. That’s according to Impact Krav Maga Self-Defense’s (2545 El Cajon Blvd.) website, a local training studio where all of the founders and instructors were trained by Lichtenfeld’s prodigy, Eyal Yanilov. Yanilov is the modern master of Krav Maga (aka he made adaptations for the Trump-ocalypse?). Impact has classes specifically for young and old, women and teenagers, where they’re taught street fighting tactics like groin strikes and eye gouges that are typically illegal in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Muay Thai and other types of sport fighting. Most Trump supporters were probably privileged enough to fight like the Karate Kid, so learn Krav Maga to MAGA.

—Torrey Bailey

BIRD UP

In most dystopian futures, humans are left to communicate using outdated methods like snail mail. Remember The Postman with Kevin Costner? No? Probably for the best, but birds seems like a better, quicker move. While we mentioned them in our last Summer Guide, it seems worth reiterating the radness of Sky Falconry , who hold lessons on handling various birds of prey in the mountains near Alpine. Hey, it beats being a drone dork. 

—Seth Combs

HIP THRUST

A year or so ago, Washington Post put out a thinkpiece about how millennials hate cereal because of the preparation and clean-up that cereal requires—i.e. the single bowl and spoon. As ridiculous as that story is, if there is any truth to the notion that young folks are really so averse to food preparation, that could put a serious damper on succeeding in any survivalist scenario. The concept behind Hipcooks (4048 30th St.) in North Park is simple: Students learn how to feed themselves by preparing and cooking food in a group setting. Or, more simply, it’s a cooking class. Yes, it’s not a novel idea, but it’s a lot of fun, especially if the concept of preparing food (or worse, pouring a bowl of cereal) is too intimidating. In addition to cooking, students learn about proper cutlery, kitchen tools, chopping techniques and relying on taste instead of recipe. Plus, if you go on a night where the dessert is crème brûlée, you get to use a kitchen torch. And if holding a mini flamethrower isn’t an incentive to don an apron, then maybe you weren’t cut out to survive anyway. sandiego.hipcooks.com

—Ryan Bradford

TRAVEL CHANNELS

At the time of Divine Judgement, there is no footwear more strategic than the Jesus—sandal - the highly unfashionable, thick-strapped things that wrap around the feet of ‘active’ tourists. The breathable, toe-bearing shoe resembles the couture of the 12 apostles, so wearing them could be proof enough of worthiness. Luckily, Traveler’s Depot (1655 Garnet Ave.) has a nice stock of variations by Teva and Keen. But if practical shoes are too much of a sacrifice, there’s more to gear up with, such as hats from Tilley, Wallaroo and Sunday Afternoon that block out 98 percent of the sun’s harmful rays. Those have a lifetime warranty, but what does that even mean when the store is reduced to dust? There’s also clothing suitable for a pilgrimage since it’s wrinkle-free and quick-drying, but most importantly, odor-resistant. And for leaving the country in the most desperate of cases, there are maps galore, plus converters and adapters for electrical outlets. Other travel needs such as neck pillows, toiletry kits and luggage locks are for sale too, because when fleeing imminent doom, it’s important to at least be comfortable.

—Torrey Bailey

DESERT VIEW

In a post-apocalyptic world, a logical hierarchy of needs would probably place live music pretty low on the pyramid. But let’s get real here: Once food, self-defense and some kind of heat source are covered, it’s not unreasonable to want to add some jams to that list of needs. I imagine that music festivals will resemble something out of Mad Max in the future (not counting Burning Man, which already does), but if we’re all headed for a nomadic desert-wandering existence, then there’s a good chance the future of festivals will look something like In-Ko-Pah. In-Ko-Pah 4, which takes place on Saturday, June 3 at Desert View Tower in Anza-Borrego, combines camping in the wide expanse of the desert while being serenaded by a list of excellent (mostly local) bands including The Mattson 2, Zig Zags, Birdy Bardot, Mrs. Magician and The Widows. It’s an escape from the always-connected modern society that’s also loaded with some impressive live music. As far as post-apocalyptic futures go, it could be a lot worse. inkopah.org

—Jeff Terich

ON A BOAT!

Zombies can’t swim. Really, when have we ever seen a movie with a swimming zombie? Oh, right… Zombeavers… forgot about that one. Sike! Beavers aren’t fish, dummy! Nor are many of them likely to be swimming in salt water, which is why living on a boat is going to be a good bet come Armageddon. Start the training with a staycation rental with Boat, Bed and Breakfast (2240 Shelter Island Drive) in Point Loma where readers can rent a boat, catamaran or yacht for the night (they start at $185 a night). It’s romantic AF to rock the boat like Aaliyah while chaos reins down back on shore. No zombeavers either. 

—Seth Combs

MOUNT UP!

Camping in Southern California can be a lesson in irony. Instead of escaping into the great outdoors and becoming one with nature, it often involves falling asleep to the sound of traffic and pretending that you’re not shoulder-to-shoulder with your neighbors in the next campsite. Or—as is the case with most designated “beach camping”—pitching a tent in a literal parking lot. It definitely took this Utah boy a long time to get used to the concept of crowded nature. The camping at Mount Laguna, on the other hand, is pretty damn great. Located about 30 minutes east of San Diego, the recreation spot offers some pretty choice trails for hiking, biking and running, but best of all, the campgrounds are all well maintained, spacious and far apart from each other (I visited the Burnt Rancheria campgrounds). Unlike so many other camping experiences I’ve had in San Diego, a trip to Mount Laguna truly feels like an excursion into nature. And don’t worry about the heat—despite its inland status, the elevation and plentiful shade compensate. One caveat: Only a limited number of campsites can be reserved, which means the rest are doled out on a first-come, first-serve basis. Who knows, maybe fighting another nature-lover to the death over a campsite may prove to be a valuable skill after a cataclysmic event. 

—Ryan Bradford

KNOCK ON WOOD

When the Pacific Rim is decimated by a tsunami, mass-produced consumer goods will be a lot harder to come by. But as The Police’s 1980 new wave classic says, “when the world is running down, you make the best of what’s still around.” Like, for instance, making accessories Gilligan’s Island style, from coconuts or palm fronds. Or, before that disastrous event ever occurs, timepieces from reclaimed wood. Cali Life Co. already has that responsibly sourced concept covered with a line of watches that are handmade from sustainable materials in San Diego. They’re high quality watches with a natural-wood look, and they’re sold locally at Creative Crossroads in Hillcrest (502 University Ave.). Cali Life Co. also sells its wares at the Hillcrest Farmer’s Market on Sunday mornings. And should anyone ever doubt the benefit of checking the time after society’s reached a state of lawless chaos, just imagine how handy it’d be to track every minute you have to reach high ground before that next tidal wave hits. calilifeco.com/watches 

—Jeff Terich

A KNIGHT'S FAIL

“Maybe I should become a LARPer.” We’ve all had that thought one time in our lives, right? Or, even if the thought of joining the Live Action Role Players in Balboa Park every Sunday hasn’t crossed your mind, you’ve probably had an inkling to don some armor, wield a sword, or do some other medieval-type shenanigans. Plus, given the eventual technological apocalypse, when robots turn on their masters, it’s probably good to have battle skills and alternative transportation options in place. KnightSchool is a program located out in Ramona that teaches the fundamentals of, well, knightly stuff, e.g. jousting and horseback riding, or “horsemanship.” Classes are taught by Jeffery Hedgecock, who, according to the website, has over 15 years of experience and is the founder of the “Order of the Crescent,” which—c’mon—sounds so badass. Group sessions usually go down on the first Saturday of every month, and cost between $20 to $65 (private lessons are available, but more expensive). Students must pass a series of prerequisite classes before they can engage in horse-driven, fully-armored combat (ugh, safety!). Just think about how cool it’ll be to show up to a LARP sesh as a fully fledged knight. And when the world goes to shit, you’ll be their king.

—Ryan Bradford

'TIS THE SEASON

While soap making sounds like an activity a bunch of wine moms would enjoy, gaining the skills to make soap can be especially useful in desperate times, like maybe after an apocalypse? Cindy Christ of Following Seasons Botanicals offers soap making classes for people who want to start using all-natural essential oils and botanicals for their daily hygienic needs. Every class starts with a lesson about the ingredients used in the soap and the chemistry behind soap making before diving into a full-on workshop. Her classes range from beginner to advanced, and each level focuses more on the chemistry of soap making. With a more advanced class level, people will learn more about how to make their soap lather or even how to make it work best for dry or oily skin types. Christ says soap in supermarkets are mostly detergent, so making soap gives individuals the opportunity to use all-natural ingredients, especially during the summer when oily skin is far too common of a problem. Christ’s classes range from $60 to $80 depending on the group size, venue and provided materials. Individuals can schedule a group lesson with Christ through followingseasons.com.

—Nicole Sazegar

SWASHBUCKLER'S DELIGHT

When you’re boxed in by zombies, the last thing you need is to draw attention to yourself with a crowd-drawing gunshot. It’s much more effective (not to mention quieter) to destroy the brain than with a quick thrust of a sword. Learn how to properly wield your weapon at the Cabrillo Academy of the Sword in Normal Heights (3339 Adams Ave.), a private fencing club that caters to professionals, aspiring fencers, actors and anyone interested in swordplay. Private lessons are available as well as monthly memberships, all taught by accredited fencing master Maestro Hurst. Lesson one: stick ‘em with the pointy end.

—Beth Demmon

DINE ON SWINE

I can’t be the only one who gets a massive girl boner watching Daniel Day-Lewis as Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York. There’s just something primally erotic about knowing your way around a cleaver. But forget impressing me. In the event of a catastrophe, even the most adamant tofu lovers will likely find their dietary discipleship deterred when they face the choice of meat or starvation. That’s when knife skills are going to come in handy, and you can easily pick them up at the Heart & Trotter’s (2855 El Cajon Blvd., Suite 1) twice-monthly Pork 101 class in North Park. Learn how to break down an entire side of pig in four hours or less and leave with several pounds of pork. Survival was never so succulent.

—Beth Demmon

COMPOST APOCALYPTIC 

A friend recently said he gets to sleep by counting the ways Trump and EPA chief Scott Pruitt have screwed up our food and water supply. A creative twist, perhaps, but we at CityBeat have a more productive suggestion:  become a master composter. Composting might not protect against nuclear holocaust (another Trump-enhanced risk), but it augments the food supply by enriching soil, helping to retain moisture and suppress plant diseases and pests, reducing the need for (and thus damage from) chemical fertilizers, encouraging production of beneficial bacteria and fungi, reducing methane emissions from landfills and the carbon footprint.  Master Composter classes are ongoing at the Solana Center for Environmental Innovation (137 N El Camino Real) as well as Chula Vista’s Living Coast Discovery Center (1000 Gunpowder Point Drive) and new ones will start in the fall at both centers as well as Cuyamaca College’s Water Conservation Garden (12122 Cuyamaca College Drive W) in El Cajon.

—Michael A. Gardiner

ULTRALIGHT BEAM

Daytime trips to the swap meet at the sports arena already feel a bit like taking a walk through a post-apocalyptic society: People line long picnic tables with worn relics of a once-great society—vintage vinyl, paperbacks, VHS copies of Weekend at Bernie’s, the occasional pair of nunchucks. So it only makes sense that just down the street, one can also bone up on the essentials of futuristic neon warfare at ULTRAZONE Lazer Tag in the Midway (3146 Sports Arena Blvd. Suite 21). ULTRAZONE indeed feels like a simulation of some kind of dystopia in which sunlight scarcely reaches our shores, the landscape is littered with strange barrels and tubes, and everything radiates with an eerie glow-in-the-dark luminescence. It’s not entirely unreasonable to think that this is what the future will look like not too far from now, even if the idea of zapping your friends with light-based phaser guns is somewhat far removed from any actual self-defense skills. Still, it’s best not to leave out the possibility that this will come in handy after the singularity happens and we need to outsmart the cyborgs, or some similar scenario. And even if that never comes to fruition, it’s a pretty fun way to kill an afternoon in air conditioning while escaping the actual malaise of the real world. ultrazonesandiego.com 

—Jeff Terich

ORGAN TRAIL

To survive, San Diegans better know the county like the back of their hand. Whether hiding from flesh-eaters, burrowing underground to escape locust swarms or climbing to the top of Mt. Soledad so that they may be raptured, geography is key. But grabbing a map probably isn’t the most instinctual response. It’s more likely they’ll clutch their iPhones to scour for safety. Google Maps won’t take fleers off-roading, but the All Trails app will. It maps out more than 50,000 national hiking, running and walking trails to escape to. Start scouting terrain now to A) get in shape and B) find a secure hiding spot. Users can record the trails too with GPS tracking so it’s harder to get lost, unless that’s the goal. And if the pre-existing trails don’t seem safe enough, it’s possible to create a new one, save it, upload it and share it with (trustworthy) escapees. The maps are downloadable so they can be accessed without internet, and the app shows driving directions to the trailheads. It’s only available on the iPhone, but Samsung Galaxy owners should be more worried about spontaneous combustion anyway, even though that could make for a good flare.

—Torrey Bailey

NO YOU IN TEAM

We all want to be the type of trailblazing leader that doesn’t take shit from nobody. If we were all stuck on an island, imagine how many people would die because of how long we’d probably spend arguing about who gets to be Jack from LOST instead of actually trying to get help. I’m sorry, but that alpha mindset will not help anybody; teamwork will be our only road to survival. Escape rooms have become a popular go-to team building activity for friends, corporation retreats and family simply because they’re the most fun, uninhibited ways of getting to know others without the assistance of booze. The basic idea behind escape rooms is people are trapped in a room, and must follow a series of clues to be able to earn their freedom. There are a couple escape rooms in San Diego, including The Great Room Escape (424 Market St.) in the Gaslamp, and The Puzzalarium (3864 Fifth Ave.) in Hillcrest—which my team failed to complete upon my last visit, a fact that that I’m going blame on our lack of teamwork. It was a good reminder that smart people can still look dumb when they don’t work together. 

—Ryan Bradford

SAFARI SNOOZE

Last year, I reluctantly visited the San Diego Zoo Safari Park (15500 San Pasqual Valley Road) for the first time. I’ve always had reservations about anything zoo or zoo-related. I’m not about to go join the Army of the 12 Monkeys or anything, but it’s still wild animals in cages, which I’m fundamentally against. So I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the Park, but what I really wanted to try was the Roar & Snore Safari trip where patrons get to camp out overnight in the park and try to get some sleep knowing that lions are right around the corner (well, technically, they’re in their own area, but you never know). And let’s face it, this is pretty much the closest many of us will ever get to a Naked and Afraid-type situation. The trips start at $140 and include meals, evening hikes, face time with “critters,” and a pretty swank tent. Who knows? Readers might learn something about lions, tigers and bears that will save them once the animal revolution starts. Oh, and there are adults-only packages so don’t worry about dropping the occasional “what the fuck was that?” if there’s a strange noise. sdzsafaripark.org

—Seth Combs