RSS

Christin Bailey

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): There is no secret formula for success. There is only the sacrificial dark rites and accompanying ceremonial chants, which are widely available in many disreputable bookstores. more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Bad choices have consequences. I mean, who do you think you are? Bank of America? Wells Fargo? JPMorgan Chase? Citigroup? (List continues for several pages). more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Most rules are not created as part of a conspiracy to prohibit you from expressing yourself; some really do just mean that you probably shouldn’t eat the silica gel packets. more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Narcissus looked into the world and didn’t see himself reflected; which is sorta the opposite of you wondering how migratory animals travel long distances unaided by GPS devices. more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Most things make more sense looking backward. Except through your back window. That thing seemed so much further away in the rearview mirror. more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Remember: there’s no such thing as monsters. But with alligators that weigh a thousand pounds you really gotta ask yourself: what’s the difference? more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): It’s illegal to open the zoo cages but it’s perfectly fine to spend years helping the animals acquire human language and then explaining how they can get out themselves. Loophole. more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22): When you look back on your life this week, some things may stand out as uniquely special. Unless you go to an aquarium, in which case you’ll just confuse it for the other times you went to an aquarium. more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Always remember: Big people talk about ideas, medium people talk about things, and very small people talk about how they can get away from the mouse that is chasing them. more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22):  It is a truth universally acknowledged: that moving your arms really quickly while maintaining the same slow pace while walking across the street is the polite thing to do. more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22): When someone tells you they have a cold it is just common courtesy to say, “yeah, it’s been going around,” even if no one knows if that’s true or not. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Your life can be filled with nothing but joy so long as you take extreme pleasure in being judgmental and harboring secret resentments. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): I don’t know what to write for this horoscope because I’m not sure what cuss words I’m allowed to publish here. And after writing 50 of these columns, I’m afraid to ask. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Sincerity doesn’t mean indulging an immediate emotional response. You can take some time to gather your thoughts and then, after long reflection, scream at the top of your lungs. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):  You can’t win if you don’t play except in the case of greyhound racing, where the real winners are the people who don’t participate in that sort of enterprise. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Surely you have heard the joke that a broken escalator is just stairs, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call the escalator repairman. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): I’ll just say this: You’re going to be surprised by the great multitude ofplaces where you can and will befinding sand. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): It’s possible that you are going to be on vacation this week and therefore out of my jurisdiction. Please consult a different astrologer at your destination. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): A single length of yarn can be woven into a sweater, but one wrong move and it can unravel back into that thread again. Hopefully you will be better at knitting by then. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week you walk through the world with the confidence of a person who has just been asked to see the manager, but you are the manager. more

Astrologically Unsound