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Christin Bailey

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It’s important to be yourself, except on your tax return. There you should be someone who is buying a lot of things for your business. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): This week, forget everything you thought you knew about the Temple of Apollo Epicurius at Bassae in Arcadia. For most people, this will be easy. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Where do you even begin with this week? Oh, that’s right, at the beginning. Well I guess that was easy enough to figure out. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): If things keep going the way they’re going for you, I would look into investing in some kind of high-powered flame retardant gel like the kind stunt doubles use. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Everyone has interior lives just like you. Well, not just like you. Not everybody is thinking about you all day long. That’s not what I meant. Don’t read it that way. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): This week, remember that no matter how insignificant you think you are, you will always matter to the seagulls who see you eating a bag of Lays potato chips. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Everyone has interior lives just like you. Well, not just like you. Not everybody is thinking about you all day long. That’s not what I meant. Don’t read it that way. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces… as if… You don’t deserve a horoscope unless you’re Rihanna. If you’re Rihanna, you can DM me for the horoscope. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The phases of your life can only be viewed in retrospect like the layers of colored sand in a sand art bottle. And just like a sand art bottle, your life sort of sucks. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Asking the stranger next to you to watch your things when you go to the bathroom never has any impact on what happens next, but sometimes it helps to pretend. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): The universe is made up of billions of little critters doing their own critter things. This means it’s perfectly acceptable, maybe even necessary, to do whatever little critter things you like. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You don’t owe anyone your attention, or your time, or your friendship, or your consideration. But if you’re my friend Martin, you still owe me $43. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You might think you’re doing something sort of illegal but it will turn out to be extremely illegal. Like when Hobby Lobby tried to buy trafficked artifacts…. from ISIS. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Sometimes the most fun part of the rollercoaster is reading all the warning signs and getting so scared that you’re going to die that you don’t even go on it at all. And that’s fine. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Cooperating with others is not about making them all bend to your will. It’s about only associating with people who already want to do what you want to do to begin with. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): After Wolfgang Beltracchi was jailed for using a modern paint on a forged piece that predated it, he was asked what he’d do differently. He replied, “I’d use a different white.” Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Life is easy, breezy and beautiful this week. Wait, is that from something? “Easy, breezy, beautiful”? Do I have to pay someone if I say it? Well, I don’t have any money so don’t ask. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): I once read that successful trees have to have roots as deep as their branches. But I read a lot of things. Once I read that Batboy was seen in a jacuzzi with Hillary Clinton. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): This week, expect the unexpected. Shit, now that I’ve said that and raised your expectations to the extraordinary, the unexpected would now just be regular stuff. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): There is no secret formula for success. There is only the sacrificial dark rites and accompanying ceremonial chants, which are widely available in many disreputable bookstores. Read more

Astrologically Unsound