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Christin Bailey

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The phases of your life can only be viewed in retrospect like the layers of colored sand in a sand art bottle. And just like a sand art bottle, your life sort of sucks. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Asking the stranger next to you to watch your things when you go to the bathroom never has any impact on what happens next, but sometimes it helps to pretend. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): The universe is made up of billions of little critters doing their own critter things. This means it’s perfectly acceptable, maybe even necessary, to do whatever little critter things you like. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You don’t owe anyone your attention, or your time, or your friendship, or your consideration. But if you’re my friend Martin, you still owe me $43. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You might think you’re doing something sort of illegal but it will turn out to be extremely illegal. Like when Hobby Lobby tried to buy trafficked artifacts…. from ISIS. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Sometimes the most fun part of the rollercoaster is reading all the warning signs and getting so scared that you’re going to die that you don’t even go on it at all. And that’s fine. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Cooperating with others is not about making them all bend to your will. It’s about only associating with people who already want to do what you want to do to begin with. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): After Wolfgang Beltracchi was jailed for using a modern paint on a forged piece that predated it, he was asked what he’d do differently. He replied, “I’d use a different white.” Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Life is easy, breezy and beautiful this week. Wait, is that from something? “Easy, breezy, beautiful”? Do I have to pay someone if I say it? Well, I don’t have any money so don’t ask. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): I once read that successful trees have to have roots as deep as their branches. But I read a lot of things. Once I read that Batboy was seen in a jacuzzi with Hillary Clinton. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): This week, expect the unexpected. Shit, now that I’ve said that and raised your expectations to the extraordinary, the unexpected would now just be regular stuff. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): There is no secret formula for success. There is only the sacrificial dark rites and accompanying ceremonial chants, which are widely available in many disreputable bookstores. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Bad choices have consequences. I mean, who do you think you are? Bank of America? Wells Fargo? JPMorgan Chase? Citigroup? (List continues for several pages). Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Most rules are not created as part of a conspiracy to prohibit you from expressing yourself; some really do just mean that you probably shouldn’t eat the silica gel packets. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Narcissus looked into the world and didn’t see himself reflected; which is sorta the opposite of you wondering how migratory animals travel long distances unaided by GPS devices. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Most things make more sense looking backward. Except through your back window. That thing seemed so much further away in the rearview mirror. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Remember: there’s no such thing as monsters. But with alligators that weigh a thousand pounds you really gotta ask yourself: what’s the difference? Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): It’s illegal to open the zoo cages but it’s perfectly fine to spend years helping the animals acquire human language and then explaining how they can get out themselves. Loophole. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22): When you look back on your life this week, some things may stand out as uniquely special. Unless you go to an aquarium, in which case you’ll just confuse it for the other times you went to an aquarium. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Always remember: Big people talk about ideas, medium people talk about things, and very small people talk about how they can get away from the mouse that is chasing them. Read more

Astrologically Unsound