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Christin Bailey

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Is it better to carry the tray you know you can balance, or try to show off and end up with shattered porcelain all over the floor? Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The past goes back forever and the future never seems to end, so consider yourself lucky to live in the present, but that will be over pretty soon. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Forget everything you thought you knew about armadillos this week. Nothing against armadillos, it’s just probably not going to come up. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): They say no good deed goes unpunished. Why don’t you try doing a good deed for once and find out if that’s true or not? Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): This week, remember to not talk unless you can back it up, or unless you can outrun anyone who might try to—let’s say—compel you to prove that you can. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): This week builds like an exponentially growing snowball rolling down the face of a mountain. Where are you in this metaphor? Thanks for asking. I have no idea. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Being curious is neutral but how you satisfy these curiosities is not necessarily neutral to others. After all, sharks examine the world around them by using their razor sharp teeth. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Practice moderation in all things this week, but particularly in forging cashier’s checks because you need to cool it until the FBI is off your trail. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Just as with building a house, you must first start with laying a foundation. But just like with laying a foundation, you have to know how to do it correctly or you’re screwed. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): What you initially perceive as failing might actually be succeeding at being a huge loser—at sucking totally and completely. Just being spectacularly defeated. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): You ever just sit on a bench? Years can go by and, just like that, you realize you haven’t sat on a bench in that whole time. Don’t let that happen to you. Sit on a bench somewhere. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Now is a great time to incorporate new, healthy habits into your routine. For example, you should accept that the mailman is not trying to rob your house and stop barking at him like a dog. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It’s important to be yourself, except on your tax return. There you should be someone who is buying a lot of things for your business. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): This week, forget everything you thought you knew about the Temple of Apollo Epicurius at Bassae in Arcadia. For most people, this will be easy. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Where do you even begin with this week? Oh, that’s right, at the beginning. Well I guess that was easy enough to figure out. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): If things keep going the way they’re going for you, I would look into investing in some kind of high-powered flame retardant gel like the kind stunt doubles use. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Everyone has interior lives just like you. Well, not just like you. Not everybody is thinking about you all day long. That’s not what I meant. Don’t read it that way. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): This week, remember that no matter how insignificant you think you are, you will always matter to the seagulls who see you eating a bag of Lays potato chips. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Everyone has interior lives just like you. Well, not just like you. Not everybody is thinking about you all day long. That’s not what I meant. Don’t read it that way. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Pisces… as if… You don’t deserve a horoscope unless you’re Rihanna. If you’re Rihanna, you can DM me for the horoscope. Read more

Astrologically Unsound