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Christin Bailey

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Your life can be filled with nothing but joy so long as you take extreme pleasure in being judgmental and harboring secret resentments. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): I don’t know what to write for this horoscope because I’m not sure what cuss words I’m allowed to publish here. And after writing 50 of these columns, I’m afraid to ask. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Sincerity doesn’t mean indulging an immediate emotional response. You can take some time to gather your thoughts and then, after long reflection, scream at the top of your lungs. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):  You can’t win if you don’t play except in the case of greyhound racing, where the real winners are the people who don’t participate in that sort of enterprise. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Surely you have heard the joke that a broken escalator is just stairs, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call the escalator repairman. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): I’ll just say this: You’re going to be surprised by the great multitude ofplaces where you can and will befinding sand. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): It’s possible that you are going to be on vacation this week and therefore out of my jurisdiction. Please consult a different astrologer at your destination. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): A single length of yarn can be woven into a sweater, but one wrong move and it can unravel back into that thread again. Hopefully you will be better at knitting by then. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week you walk through the world with the confidence of a person who has just been asked to see the manager, but you are the manager. more

Astrologically Unsound

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): You know that feeling when you forget your password and then, when you reset it, you enter a new password and it alerts you that “you can’t use your last password.” Imagine that, but for everything this week. more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19):  All beings on the planet are bonded in our collective confusion by what it means that we are here in the first place. However, that still doesn’t mean anyone wants to be drunkenly asked about it on some patio. more

Astrologically Unsound

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Fear is a primordial response that’s been built into your brain over zillions(?) of years, and it is important to listen to the message your body is telling you: There is an even bigger lizard nearby. more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Like wet clay, you can be remade again and again. And also like wet clay, you are leaving a thin film of grime all over everyone who comes near you. more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Your favorite song from a musical says a lot about you this week. Of course, the thing that speaks the most damning volumes is that you like musicals at all to begin with. more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): This week, you will give up and accept that you don’t remember why you went into the room. Of course, when you turn around to leave you’ll remember. more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Be like the noble termite: working hard everyday in spite of never being recognized for your good efforts because they’re all extremely destructive and mindlessly selfish. more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): There are many interesting things about being alive, none of which you will miss out on by taking the extra two seconds to choose a shampoo and conditioner instead of a 2-in-1. more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): All the time you spent clicking “remind me later” on the software upgrade popup box has finally bypassed how much time it would have taken to just update it. more

Astrologically Unsound

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): I know the saying, but if you were to literally jump out of the frying pan it’s likely you’d just land on the stove and from there it’s a clean getaway. more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22):  Let me put it this way: It’s never too early to start learning about the laws of buoyancy. You never know when it’s going to come in handy. (Sunday). more

Astrologically Unsound