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Christin Bailey

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You may find that you’re attracting the wrong kind of attention, like a wriggling worm on a hook, but like the worm, it’s hard to get good attention when you’re in that kind of predicament. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): It could turn out that the permanent record your vice principal warned you about is real and that this week you’ll be arrested for cutting across the decorative lawn in 1999. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It never seems like a bear would really rip the doors off your SUV to get the Doritos you left on the passenger seat. Until it does. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Leo (July 23 - August 22): There will be no fortuitous moment in the future where the circumstances will be perfect for you to make all the changes you want, so you may as well never do it. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Leo (July 23 - August 22): If you can’t have enough confidence in your work that it speaks for itself, then at least have enough foolhardy bravado to bully people into pretending they “get it.” Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week, resist whatever inclination you may have to let your sunglasses do the heavy lifting when it comes to expressing your personality. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Wisdom comes with age and babe, you’re an old hot dog that’s been rotating on the gas station warmer for three weeks. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Is it better to carry the tray you know you can balance, or try to show off and end up with shattered porcelain all over the floor? Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The past goes back forever and the future never seems to end, so consider yourself lucky to live in the present, but that will be over pretty soon. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Forget everything you thought you knew about armadillos this week. Nothing against armadillos, it’s just probably not going to come up. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): They say no good deed goes unpunished. Why don’t you try doing a good deed for once and find out if that’s true or not? Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): This week, remember to not talk unless you can back it up, or unless you can outrun anyone who might try to—let’s say—compel you to prove that you can. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): This week builds like an exponentially growing snowball rolling down the face of a mountain. Where are you in this metaphor? Thanks for asking. I have no idea. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Being curious is neutral but how you satisfy these curiosities is not necessarily neutral to others. After all, sharks examine the world around them by using their razor sharp teeth. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Practice moderation in all things this week, but particularly in forging cashier’s checks because you need to cool it until the FBI is off your trail. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Just as with building a house, you must first start with laying a foundation. But just like with laying a foundation, you have to know how to do it correctly or you’re screwed. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): What you initially perceive as failing might actually be succeeding at being a huge loser—at sucking totally and completely. Just being spectacularly defeated. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Aries (March 21 - April 19): You ever just sit on a bench? Years can go by and, just like that, you realize you haven’t sat on a bench in that whole time. Don’t let that happen to you. Sit on a bench somewhere. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

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Illustrations by Carolyn Ramos

Now is a great time to incorporate new, healthy habits into your routine. For example, you should accept that the mailman is not trying to rob your house and stop barking at him like a dog. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It’s important to be yourself, except on your tax return. There you should be someone who is buying a lot of things for your business. Read more

Astrologically Unsound

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Buddy, you have really done it this time! You ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time. You’d know what I was talking about if you hadn’t awakened in the body of a lizard. Read more

Astrologically Unsound